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the feeling of guilt

The feeling of guilt

The feeling of guilt is something every mom experiences once in a while. Mom that prospers in an office, stay-at-home mom that makes (or bakes?) doughnuts for the entire class on a special event, and mom who doesn’t do both. It’s only a matter of degree, how far is each mom willing to go and kill herself for doing something wrong or not doing something right.The root of this feeling, though, lays far beyond “mom’s feeling of guilt”. It’s more of an overall, overwhelming feeling of guilt, something that is dragged from the childhood, from bad education, from bad examples and bad teachers. But in this post I am going to focus on the feeling of guilt that grows in mom’s head, which is related to her children.

Where does the feeling of guilt come from?

Lack of self-appreciation

The feeling of guilt comes with lack of self appreciation. Lack of self appreciation comes with negative emotions. Negative emotions come with tasteless thoughts. Tasteless thoughts come with lack of consciousness (who let them in? Have you? Or have they made their way in with no permission?)

The feeling of guilt grows exponentially as a result of physical and emotional exhaustion. When nothing shines inside, when there are no ideas, no dreams and no energy. All there is are these kids running and jumping around.  And there are all the others: other moms, grand-moms, friends, unknown agents advisers and tons of other energy-suckers who have the best intentions (beware, beware, beware!) to help the poor, unqualified mom to manage her shaky life. All these unwanted guests add weight to the feeling of guilt like a huge, rotten cherry on the top of a sour cream on a outdated cookie. You got the metaphor.

Broken pattern

For the first time in her life mom has tried something new. She deeps her toes in cold water: a new job, a new project, a new dress (toes?) – it does not matter what it is. Mom, who has previously dedicated all her time most of her time to her kids suddenly takes a leap aside. Her kids, at that time, stay with the nanny, the grandma, the husband, the partner, the cat – anyone, who, naturally, is not qualified enough to treat them as they deserve to be treated (it’s all in mom’s head, definitely).

Another example is when moms scream break their patterns of behavior.For example, I see myself as a calm and caring mom. Therefore, occasional outbursts can make me feel really bad about myself. How could a meditating, balanced and conscious mom like myself break down, shout at her kids and send them to bed right away? Yep, these things happen to the calmest moms.

Secret Pride

Pride is in a way related to the previous reason – breaking the behavioral pattern. Some moms consider themselves flawless and feel secretly proud about themselves. Something they would, typically, never admit. Whether they do or do not fully acknowledge their secret pride, it is still there.Once the image of the perfect mom is distorted, for whatever reason, mom feels devastated to an extent. She has less reason to be proud of herself. She has come down from the Olympus to the harsh reality – she is the ordinary, human mom now. Ouch.

 

Why is it important to get rid of the feeling of guilt?

 

The feeling of guilt is like a worm, eating the mom from the inside. It does not let her concentrate on what is really going on at the moment. It throws her to the past over and over again, sucks her energy in gallons and adds pain and agony to what has already been experienced. Therefore, in order to make the right conclusions and go on with life, it is vitally important to cut any slightest feeling of guilt. Learn the lesson – yes. Eat myself up about it – no.

 

Techniques to kill the feeling of guilt.

There have been many teachers in my life who said “get inside this pain, feel it to the bones and then it will disappear”. Well, it does not work for me, or at least has not worked so far. Once I plunge into the pain, it becomes a never-ending story of chewing the agonizing gum of upsetting memories.

So here are my personal techniques, and maybe, they will work for you too. Consistency, as always, is the secret weapon that makes things work.

Here is what I tell myself on the rare occasions when feeling of guilt strikes me (not necessarily in this order):

 

  1. I might have been wrong as I see it now. But back then I reacted as my mind told me. I was conscious of myself (was I?), and this outburst was completely in time. Life is still good.
  2. Children know their mom is human and she gets angry. I am not a raging mom on a permanent basis. The way I expressed myself was not perfect, but it happened so. Let it be.
  3. This outburst was a good lesson for me. I let it happen because I was tired and exhausted. The lesson I have learned is – plan my day in a better way. Let myself have some more time alone. Save more energy for the evening when everybody is more tired and things might heat up.

And the most important mantra: I am still the very good mom. There will be tomorrow when we’ll have the chance to start a new day with the lessons learned. My children have learned their lesson and I have learned mine.